← 2015 March 2015

  • So every second guy in Byron Bay looks like Steve Jobs did at some point of his life.

  • "May the schwartz be with you" - Yogurt, Spaceballs

  • Made a Simpsons reference in a funeral this afternoon #youdontmakefriendswithsalad

  • I want to see a modernisation of the Jesus story where he gets sick of ppl taking selfies with him because he doesn't like his selfie face.

  • Tony Abbott could be PM forever if he just made some cool reference to Netflix and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt in his next speech.

  • Sat down tonight to write a joke about an overcrowded cemetery tonight, but there was no plot.

  • I feel like the responsibility of sitting in an exit row is like the algebra of flying. We're never going to use it are we?

  • App idea: an app that uses GPS to find somewhere to get breakfast that isn't McDonalds.

  • It was only after walking up and down the street several times did he realise he had a rental car. Not his own. A true story from right now.

  • Hellooooooo, Sydney

  • Sydney bound to lead a celebrant training workshop tomorrow in Sans Souci. Anything exciting happening in Sydney tonight?

  • Because, of course, my opinion on what brings an airplane down matters.

  • Honestly, as I sit in the Qantas Club this morning shitting myself, I'd rather it be a terrorist attack over an aircraft failure.

  • Guy next to me was talking to himself for the entire train ride home. Worse TED Talk ever.

  • Just used Forcetouch at the Apple Store, and it's awesome, not a creepy Jedi trick.

  • Hey @TonyAbbottMHR and @LiberalAus #feelthelove and support marriage equality! We love it!

  • Signed into Netflix off VPN and the app just tells me that 'if I'm travelling' I might see different shows in different countries.

  • I'm excited about changing wifi networks on my TV today! #NetflixDay

  • Australian comedian, @scottdools, has been spotted. On the set of. The new 007 film looks great!

  • Just finished my first official training session for celebrant's professional development! I don't think I have a single drop of energy left

  • My greatest fears were realised today when a shirtless man in West End asked me for a cigarette.

  • Onion rings = vegetable doughnuts

  • I'd totally become a doctor if the method to find out if u were dead inside was to see if you would sing along to Livin' On A Prayer or not.

  • I'm catching up with Nathan, @Natty_Nat_Nat and Shaun on @nova937 next week, tune in! :)

  • Has anyone got an update on Lunchmoney Lewis' bills?

  • I think we can all agree that regardless of his appreciation of Australian heritage, our PM does know a lot about Germany's heritage.

  • If I was the last human on earth I would probs not wear clothes.

  • "It's the most awkward thing I've heard of in my life" - @BenFordham

  • I'm on @2GB873 with @BenFordham talking divorce ceremonies now.

  • God Bless you Interwebs for always dredging up decades old pop culture and just making it better

  • I furkan derya to print that, yo.

  • Blurry photo at that!

  • Free business idea: a museum for tastes and smells.

  • Years from now when "Jet Fighter Ben" is a comedy institution I'll point to this tweet for its conception in my Uber today #JetFighterBen

  • Infidelity? #whatsnexttone?

  • Drugs? #whatsnexttone?

  • Hookers? #whatsnexttone?

  • 136.22

  • Want to try Uber for free tonight? Australian first time users of the app can get their first $25 free using the promo code: thanksjosh

  • Coming out soon: my new book on Paleo Wedding Ceremonies with a great section on clubbing.

  • "You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club" - Jack London

  • I'm looking for someone to help me with one-on-one intensive coaching on a Cert IV TAE - know anyone?

  • "Sorry I'm late, my watch is on Vodafone"

  • 137.54

  • "So, it's like, the time, but right on your wrist!" - Apple Watch salesperson

  • What if the rain doesn't stop, but the precipitation connection is just buffering?

  • Confession: when the barber shows me my haircut in a mirror I don't know what to look for and always say "Yep, looks great!"

  • Well that doesn't happen every day. I just performed a fake same-sex marriage ceremony live on air on a talk radio station lol.

  • Perth peeps! I'm on @6PR soon talking about getting married as soon as possible.

  • Free business idea: individually wrapped Kellogg's Cornflakes pieces.

  • Thinking about starting a blog that asks the big questions like "What the heck are all these people doing at the Post Office, like, wtf?"

  • Kendal & Grant #marriedbyjoshhttp://joshs.link/1A3S5jI

  • Woohoo! I'm marrying Sarah and David at TBC- possibly royal botanic gardens or Elizabeth farm (in parramatta but still same drive time t

  • Heads are going to roll! My Uber rating has dropped from a solid 5 to 4.92!!!!!

  • If u told me 10yrs ago that my job today would be to talk in front of crowds about putting up with each other's shit at music festivals ...

  • 137.92

  • I'm on @nova1069 talking about what I'm doing at @FMFestivalAust tomorrow #FutureMusic

  • ¯_(ツ)_/¯

  • Hans Solo: makes the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, mistakes golf course for runway.

  • Any tips on the best data only, SIM only, 3G/4G prepaid or postpaid deal in Australia?

  • Was just on @96fmBreakfast in my office that I share w/ @snow_withers & her father. Despite being 2m away, neither noticed I was on radio.

  • About to chat to @96fmCarmen @96fmBreakfast and Jesse Wagstaff!

  • This will be the last time anyone smuggles drugs into Bali, right?

  • 136.16

  • Plugged laptop back into my home network for the 1st time in weeks and I said "there's no place like 127.0.0.1" ... paused, slapped myself

  • It's been great seeing you, non-Queensland, but I'm crazy glad to be homeward bound!

  • The saddest looking @Qantas jet is the Qantas Freight 767 with no windows. What is all the freight supposed to do mid-flight?

  • QLD Transport in the pocket of the Taxi Council?

  • Qld Transport CSO told Britt that she's not allowed to apply for a Driver's Authority if its for @Uber_QLD, to apply for a taxi job instead.

  • If you missed my wedding vow workshop at @LoveOnTheLawn1 then send a blank email to vows@marriedbyjosh.com for an auto reply with my notes!

  • "I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave" - Jarod Kintz