Christian’s are everywhere. They all look, smell, sound different. Some proclaim to be better, more humble, bigger, stronger, improved than other Christians. Some think that others are “this and that” and some others think “this and that” about others.

Then there are those people who aren’t 100% Christian, but they aren’t not Christian. Interesting lot they are, I’ve never succeeded at doing anything in halves.

Finally there’s those that aren’t Christian. They’re atheists or buddhists … or <insert religion, faith, game, cult> here.

Individual

I'm really proud of everyone above for making a stand and proclaiming they're part of this group or that. But me, I'm Josh.

I could barely proclaim to be Christian. If you break the word down it means Christ like. I’m not really. I’m not catholic or anything else. In high school, when I had to fill out a form I would say I my religion was “Uniting Church” cause that’s what Dad said once. I’m not an atheist because I don’t really know what they believe. I’m not weird enough to be a member of a cult either.

So this is who I am. I’m a 28 year old male, who read some of the bible about 7 years ago, then listened to a few other people talk about who God was. I thought that sounded pretty good and he sounded like a decent bloke. I read a bit more into it, turned out that God was a number of things, including but not conclusive of: creator of everything, author of life, the beginning and the end of everything. From there on I wanted to learn more about who he was and is, it turns out that he is (once again including but not conclusive) a complete and utter genius, he’s omnipresent which means he is everywhere at all times, he is love and he is loving - completely without any exceptions or maybes.

I could go on, but I found that the more I learned about God, the more he was kind of different than the general image that was painted up until now. God, and his church, and everything ever associated with him, was weird, freaky, odd and boring in my public perception, did I mention weirdoes? I remember meeting Jesus freaks in the car park of a shopping centre, they wore Jesus shirts and wanted me to come to their Jesus movie. I was kind enough to avoid them from then on.

I was curious why this relationship aspect of God that I was reading about had never really been touted before either. The general run of society told me that God existed, but mainly so we could blame stuff on him or scream his name during sex (kind of like using a cheat code in a game, hoping God would make it better?). As I read a little bit more about God it kind of sounded like there could be a possibility of some two-way conversation, and aside from that thing there was also a possibility that God could actually right now be interested and excited about what’s happening in my life. He might even want to help, which was an intriguing development because I’m not used to being helped.

Things Got Weird

So I was lucky enough to be dragged into a community of crazy people who I kind of liked. They didn't wear Jesus shirts (well most of them didn't) and they didn't ask me to watch Jesus videos with them.

But … at some point the community, the group, the clique, got different. Some people wanted me to be perfect, some wanted nothing to do with me, some people were wondering why everyone else didn’t spend all their time focused on their little problems and some people didn’t want to hang out. This is the natural evolution of a group, but the consensus is that Christians didn’t do that.

But what got weird is that some people in the group did one weird thing, they some how associated it with Jesus, then did it more. This is a very generalised statement over many people. But I felt odd because I didn’t like to flout about how Christian I was, or to prove it by attending the most Christian events, or falling over to make sure people knew I was being prayed for. Some people though were very keen on proving how Christian they could be, which was weird for me because I wasn’t very “that kind of Christian” at all.

I was kind of keen on just being Josh, Josh that was trying to get to know God. Josh that tried to read the bible but found it hard and persevered anyhow.

I struggled talking to God, I struggled to pray, because I saw other people pray and it sounded like they were worried God was stupid, which was an odd thing to worry about from my point of view. If anything, I thought God could not be stupid, he could be many other things, complacent maybe, or even just resource savvy (the reason you didn’t have a new car yet is because I asked first, etc). Nuances aside I was almost certain God couldn’t be stupid. I’m kind of stupid, but when people talk to me like I’m really stupid it gets me in a bad mood. Was God in a bad mood?

Luckily God doesn’t have bad moods.

The Reformation

So a few people I knew outside of church thought I must be Christian because I didn't swear. I was worried that, that would be the only way people would ever know I was a Christian was because I didn't say or type the word "shit" or other bad words. What things could I do to make sure other people knew I was a Christian I thought. After I tried a large range of activities I came to the conclusion that I didn't really mind what people thought I was, the least of which being a Christian. After all I'd read about God, Christ, Jesus and I was nothing like him. Not only could I not build a table or complete any other carpentry tasks well, I also wasn't as well liked as Jesus. Everyone knew he was a Christian, right?

So today I’m not too worried about what people think. Although when their expectations of me are really high it does get me down, I just move on and forget about it. Because they aren’t going to be accountable for my life. I am. I know that God wants me to be more Christ-like, after all Christ had some really good ideas and methods, but I also know that it might not happen overnight.

So Am I A Christian?

No. I'm a human, who so desperately wants to figure out God, who he is, what he wants, what he does, how he does it. I reckon God is an alright bloke now, so I'd also like to see other people like you know him as well. Don't worry about my expectations of you though. They couldn't be any higher than I'd expect everyone to have of me. So I'm not a Christian, I'm just Josh, no titles.

I also design things, like web sites and brochures. My full time job is at Macquarie Southern Cross Media, I’ve been lucky enough to host a breakfast radio show on Radiowest in Esperance. I’m also a wedding celebrant, and I like to write as well. Sometimes I write well and sometimes it’s all broken like this blog post is. I also love going to church with my friends because most of them are trying to figure out the same thing I’m trying to figure it out, so we’ll try and figure it out together.

Sorry if you wanted me to be less honest and more poetic, this is raw unedited Josh.

There probably could of been a better ending. If you have one, let me know and I’ll put it in here and credit you for it, thanks.