Now I feel bad because I complained that my internet connection is 2.23 original Wolfenstein 3D's per second.

Lodged an @Internode line fault tonight because my Internet connection is maxing out at 3.6MB per second download speed.

Say what you will about Google but it only took 24 hours for me to go straight to the top of the page one for "shit celebrant"

So when you see that stuff ... vote away! The last time I almost won and I also got in tonnes of shit at Fairfax because I was nominated!

Fair warning: I'll be annoying everyone soon asking them to vote for me in the Pedestrian Daily Blogster Awards because I'd like to win.

If you're looking for a @mailbox betacoin to try the new #Mailbox for Mac Beta let me know, I've got three to donate

I do have a Fairfax news subscription though ... so that's kind of paid for

I'm equally ashamed and proud of the fact that the only online journalism I actually pay for is from @TheOnion ...

In the Internet's defence, how many famous Attenboroughs could there be?

I just got nominated for the nice bucket challenge. Which sounds funny but is quite hard, there aren't many nice buckets.

TV show idea: a remake of early 90's 60 Minutes.

Best thing about the rain: the motorway to the "Sunshine" Coast is empty!

The mice bucket challenge would've never had the same response.

Does anyone else want to see a full episode of Tool Time, with Tim "The Toolman" Taylor?

High school buddy just unfriended me on IceBucketChallengeBook!

Stevie the cat is hesitant about joining #TeamAustralia

Confession: whenever I hear a @janoskians song I imagine that @nicwkelly is the lead singer

There's been something playing on my mind recently, it's a hard topic to speak on, but, I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass, no treble.

Self-employment is a haunted house of emotions. Also, who do I give my medical certificate to? Asking for a friend.

Any software developers around that specialise in Google Calendar/Apps API stuff?

This self-employed thing is all consuming isn't it. I don't know a life outside of Gmail, Quickbooks, Google Calendar and my word processor.

"It's such a relief to meet a #celebrant that's a normal person!" - bride just now at the #vintagebride #weddingfair #weddingcelebrant

Is running for a seat in the next federal election with a single policy against Facebook Messenger a sure win? Asking for a friend.

The power of Christ compels you!!! #LicenseToWed #RIPRobinWilliams

Movie idea: "@JoeHockey's Big List of Things Poor People Don't Have"

Dear SEO experts that email me daily, get back to me when your website ranks on the 1st page of Google & you're not using a hotmail address.

Facebook Messenger's terms & conditions is such a literary hit it'll only be a matter of days before they announce the movie.

#BREAKING White, non-war-stricken, generally happy humans complain about 'being forced to use free social network's free messaging app'

Well that's a first. Watched someone steal my GoPro in the middle of a wedding ceremony.

Idea: release a really cool book with a great premise and cool cover. There's a massive market for buying cool books that don't get read.

I just saw a netbook in the wild. Everyone remember net books?

I achieved that much today that it would take the government a few weeks to sort through today's metadata.

What's my guilty pleasure? 5ive #KeepOnMovin

Now that I've got the all-clear on what metadata is, I'm only visiting websites now, not web addresses #phew

I've typed 'celebrant' so much on my iPhone that it just auto-corrected 'cake ebrsbt' to celebrant ... correctly.

The Australian Expendables would be Harold Bishop, Alf Stewart, Alan Jones and Paul Hogan.

Surely if Michael Bay just stopped making movies we'd get world peace? #simple

#DanceLikeDelta #LeaveDeltaAlone

Guess who just broke into the Texas wedding market?!!!???!!! #weebitexcited #popupwed

Idea for Disney and hospitals: Disney sponsor the children's ward and rename it the X-Wing of the hospital. #StarWars make hospital cool.

In-app game purchases are the 2014 version of the Timezone token.

Chatting to John and Garry on @NewsTalk2UE about cool places to get married in a minute.

Is there a business ATM in Brisbane that will give you change for a til?

Now that we've gotten rid of the carbon tax I can finally afford to grind up and smoke $50 notes in my pipe.

Call me judgey but I'll avoid a bearded man wearing a Slayer shirt carrying a bottle in a brown paperbag by the neck in the Valley at 1pm.

Apple and IBM forge global partnership ... Steve Jobs rolls over in his grave.

"The phone call is greater than the Facebook comment" - modern saying I just coined

What's with everyone keeping peeves as pets? Doesn't everyone know they're dangerous?

"You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time." Inventor, Charles Kettering

Pretty proud to announce that I'm going to be taking up a Certificate IV in Reading My @Telstra Bill.