Thought you might need to read this as well if you’re making a speech at a wedding

The story of how Air New Zealand tried to sell Ansett to Singapore Airlines or Qantas for just $1.

🐮🐮🐮 #shotoniphone

For security reasons, we try to change our Prime Minister every six months, and to never use the same Prime Minister on multiple websites.

From: When you browse Instagram and find former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s passport number

In 20-40 years our kids and grandkids will host COVID-19 lockdown themed weddings and parties and they’ll think it’s so cool.

Anyone else getting fat-wrist-shamed by Apple?

Day one of being a bike person. Cycling sucks.

🐄📷

Every year there was a less than 1 per cent chance of experiencing a similar event. “However things can change, so we need to be vigilant,” he said.

From a story in the Melbourne Age newspaper, five years ago

The September of the penguins

The moment Luna knew she wanted to be a Toddler Mutant Ninja Turtle

Keith: serious Murwillumbah business

Luna: “this TV is way better than Mum and Dad’s”

That’s the way it’s gonna be, little darlin'

Your phone is your castle

Self portrait at Keith’s

Now showing, at the Murwillumbah Cinema.

Culture behind bars

Orange Floyd’s wall

Calile-lyf

Here it is

The berds are growing in numba

It’s actually crazy that public policy for resuming work and life in Australia is hinging on an unknown, possibly non-existent, possibly not effective, not tested, Covid vaccine.

It’s like me saying I’ll stop punching you once an alien spaceship arrives.

You’re going to have some bruises and you’ll probably never see an alien.

Outbak Straya

Burd

I love Luna loves to read

Burd

🥃🏡🏔🌅📷

Boat & chopper looking for a Great White Shark that killed a surfer yesterday.

Reminds me of the ep of Chappelle’s Show where the Police call it an open & shut case of break & enter because they found a black man in a house where he’d put up pictures of his family everywhere.

What? I’m just standing here watching my kid sleep and posting photos of it on the internet,

”Relentlessly prune bullshit, don’t wait to do things that matter, and savour the time you have. That’s what you do when life is short.”

Semi-intimate is the relationship status everyone wants to be reported as when your semi-boyfriend is caught out after curfew.

Hey, is adding “Really strong gif game” to my resume worthwhile?

Asking for a friend.

Scientific American on what it means when we have unlimited access to information.

Technology is blurring the lines between consumers and producers, amateurs and professionals, and laypeople and experts. We’re just starting to understand the implications.

Hey world, it’s (pretty much) beach weather, according to

Dear whitegoods manufacturers, no one on God‘s green earth ever requested a feature where your machine would beep when finished. Please remove the beeps from all whitegoods in the future.

Yours sincerely, Josh.

I’ve just tonight finished reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book ‘Talking to Strangers” and I’d safely call it one of the most important and helpful books released in 2020.

If you talk to strangers in your work or life, you need to read this book.

Important Father’s Day topic

Doctor Luna

Of all the things I’ve achieved in my life, all of the places I’ve been, people I’ve met, things I’ve said and done, they are all pale in contrast to being dad.

What everyone wants to belong to is a community but they keep winding up in audiences instead and I think this is the cause of a tremendous amount of suffering right now. – @girlziplocked

You don’t realise how much parenting changes you until after you put your daughter to bed you find yourself standing in front of the TV to find out how this episode of Peter Rabbit ends.

Saw these guys, far from home, in Darwin, the Young Tigers.

What if, perchance, we weren’t all in this together?

The reason I’ll stay a wedding celebrant as long as they’ll have me, despite pandemics and BS, is because of the bizarre and beautiful relationship I have with our couples.

Emailing with a couple at the moment and they’re literally looking into ways to get an exemption for me to be with them at their wedding in California.

Despite 2020, the wedding industry is still the best place to be employed.

Except for working at KFC of course. The easy and direct access to fried chicken is obviously really cool.

What an ad.

Also, as much as I’d like to have that fancy new Microsoft Android thing, I’m firmly we’d to the idea that I don’t want Google’s fingers in my pockets.

Best karaoke song to sing if you want to establish that you didn’t start the proverbial fire, but also, that you’re really knowledgeable about world history?

Guy on the flight on Wednesday wore his AirPods like this. Is this a thing? 📷

Just one guest at today’s wedding 🍻 #victoriabitter

📷 Sleeping giant

It’s been 183 days since the first postponement email. The longest 183 days of my life. 154 displaced weddings and elopements. Some couples are onto their third, fourth, and fifth wedding or elopement date or location. 46 cancelled flights to 15 different countries. $67,200 in cancelled invoices for future elopements or weddings. Thousands more lost to non-refundable accomodation, ferries, etc and about $20,000 tied up in travel vouchers. If anyone wants to fly Brussels Airlines before December 31 I’ve got some vouchers. Who knows the actual real cost to our business (me + The Elopement Collective). 3 court appearances coming up because we couldn’t refund and the couple didn’t want to reschedule.

1 virus.

I’m ready for all of this to be over now. How has Covid-19 affected you?

Five Darwin observations:

  1. Where the goal for people in many cultures is to become a doctor or a lawyer, in Darwin it’s to become an air-conditioning salesperson or refrigeration mechanic.

  2. The true status symbol of greatness in Darwin is to drive a dust-stained Toyota 4WD. Everyone else is a lesser than.

  3. There are an inordinate number of retired airstrips in the region, which would be really helpful if you had lots of planes you needed to land at once.

  4. The flies here are much more motivated than the common fly in the rest of Australia. The territory flies have a deep-rooted belief that your skin is merely masking the best thing a fly could ever want, like searching for the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, flies are intent for getting literally under your skin.

  5. There is a coffee conspiracy in Darwin. My current understanding is that a mean person banned good coffee beans from ever coming to Darwin and if you are visiting there is a thriving black market for smuggled quality coffee beans. This is a guaranteed method of instant wealth.

📷 Burd

Everyone talks about a Darwin sunset. Charlestown delivered.

📷 I appreciate clear and concise signage as much as the next guy, but …

I just read the line in a headline “Oprah’s favourite life coach” and all I want to know is how to remove the taste of vomit from your mouth if you’re not carrying mints.

📷 Florence Falls, NT

Hey can someone just quickly explain literally everything to me. I think I missed something.

”The (US) debt isn’t going to be repaid; it’s going to be refunded.” - Warren Buffett

📷 In the Northern Territory of Australia termites have been exiled from the urban areas and forced to make their own homes in the bush.

Abandoned by humans and the government the termite people gather dust from their surrounds and build cathedrals, sacred mounds that these vermin call home.

I thought I’d take the time to tell you an old story from the first time I ever thought about a wedding, it was actually 25 years ago this month.

So on this one faithful August night in 1995, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged onto the verandah out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass outdoor table with his face.

Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn’t know Joseph that well, I can’t even remember where he was from, but I’m sure you could imagine I put my plans on hold to help get him to the hospital.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye leaving him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend!

Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and they eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

As happy as I am today, if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago.

Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

Humble brag photo post about travelling somewhere

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted an Android device as much as this one

So I hire a car from Avis for the night because that’s the easiest and most simple way to get to Brisbane Airport early tomorrow morning, and only $10 more than an Uber and the Airtrain.

Now someone’s crashed into the hired car.

My life is so exciting.

“People pay money to see others believe in themselves” — Kim Gordon, Sonic Youth

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 28 📷 Emotion(s)

“Out there things can happen And frequently do To people as brainy And footsy as you.”

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 27 📷 Overcome - as the Australian burnt bush fights its way back to green after a bushfire

Hey guys I would like to invite you all to join my multi level marketing scheme for beer. If you can convince 10 of your friends to drink beer, and they can convince their 10 of friends to drink beer, then I think we’ll be rich.

If Google was really committed to not being evil, they would remove pre-roll ads on Rick Rolls

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 25 📷 Relentless

Fill ‘er up, mate

This is so awkward, I misunderstood. I’ve been preying for you, not praying for you. I don’t know what I’m going to do with these dead animals.

Never forget the day ScoMo became PM

Anyone else find themselves trying to lead a really exiting life so when the COVID contact tracers release the list of places you’ve been, everyone would think you’re cool?

Just me?

The year is 2020.

Some have died from a pandemic, millions others are economically and mentally affected.

Meanwhile young and attractive humans are dancing for free to pop hit songs in 15 second segments on an advertising and government propaganda network.

Helping my friend Tatiana Neumuller with a new website tonight :)

The best part about Luna learning the word ‘no’ is that when she says ‘no’ loudly to my face in no way does that trigger any deep-rooted rejection trauma and I’m totally ok with it. Parenting is so easy.

A lady has just taken a photo of me and obviously thought I couldn’t hear her speaking. She thought it was beautiful and sad that I was the only person on the whole beach, sitting by myself, reading.

In case you see me go viral, I want to state that I’m quite happy.

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 21 📷 Crunch 🦈

One of the best things about colonialism and white people is that sometimes you can just have sharks swim next to you at breakfast without any fear of harm.

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 20 📷 Change (of scenery for a day)

Are islands called islands because they “is land”?

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 19 📷 Ribbon (of islands I just flew over)

Thinking about rejigging all my marketing to just pictures of me shirtless, grinning, holding up fish. It seems to work for guys on Tinder.

This wasn’t a collaboration with Bechtel with a contract and payment; it was Apple doing a favour under the table for the Department of Energy. But access for that favour went only so far.

-Tid Bits

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 16 📷 Stationary

Nick Cave on Cancel Culture, and mercy.

”Mercy is a value that should be at the heart of any functioning and tolerant society. Mercy ultimately acknowledges that we are all imperfect and in doing so allows us the oxygen to breathe — to feel protected within a society, through our mutual fallibility. Without mercy a society loses its soul, and devours itself."

“Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort” – Clive ‘Papa Roach’ Palmer, looking at Palmer Coolum Resort.

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 15 📷 Silhouette, from the last time we were in Bali, for our babymoon with Luna

What’s the etiquette around putting handcuffs on toddlers?

Asking for a friend.

Microsoft Flight Simultor is a 11 months younger than I am as a human, so this montage is a crazy and fantastic display of how computing power has changed in my lifetime.

Did you know that if you bury a flatearther when they die, they actually pop out the other side of the disc because the earth actually rejects them, like when you get a little splinter in your finger, your body pushes it out.

You wouldn’t know this about me, because I don’t like to boast, but I once stopped eating a tin of Pringles.

In 2011 Redfoo proclaimed “now stop … hatin' is bad” in the middle of LMFAO’s breathrough banger, Party Rock Anthem, and I can’t help but wonder why people still hatin’.

“Very little art arose out of the Spanish flu” a guest on a podcast recently commented.

Have we seen any great art come out of COVID-19? Has a great podcast, movie, TV show, photo, painting, song, sprung out of the depths of 2020’s pestilence?

Can we talk about indoctrination?

What’s everyone’s thoughts on indoctrinating your toddler with The Muppets?

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 12 📷 Sound // photo from me operating sound for a jam sesh

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 12 📷 Sound (love this sound)

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 11 📷 Transport, take two. I just flw past this on my drone.

📷 The song of the marmoset

The Peggy character in Hamilton is such a Peggy, saying responsible things like “Daddy said to be home by sundown,” reminding the sisters to not go downtown, and just popping in to remind everyone are exists “and Peggy!”

I think Luna needs a Peggy as a sibling.

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

  • Helen Keller

How much of our understanding of reality is shaped by algorithmically-curated, ad-funded digital for-profit products?

I thought Scooter was an antisemitic band. They’re not.

In 1998 the German electro pop band, Scooter, released an absolute banger of an anthem called “How Much Is The Fish?”

I enjoyed this track immensely serving its place as the post-alt-rock 1990’s soother my library was in need of.

Somewhere around 2003 I realised I wasn’t ok with a (misheard) lyric “transforming the Jews” and i filed Scooter away as nazis.

Today Supertramp’s Logical Song was referenced in a podcast, so I turned to my music library to relive the 70s melody. From there I remembered that Scooter released a remix/cover of that song which I revisited, and then pivoted to that scar of a song, How Much Is The Fish?

Turns out Scooter aren’t nazis. They’re transforming the “tunes” and they’re ok with Jews.

I still don’t know how much the fish is.

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 9 📷 Black and white

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 7 📷 Daytripping

🚲 Cherub takes up cycling 📷

August photo micro-blogging challenge day 6 📷 Bisect (maybe? probably not?)

Someone’s thoughts on collective responsibilities

Freedoms and liberties versus trust, society, and community.

“Before we get too hung up on blaming the state govt, or the federal govt, or China for our covid situation let’s review some facts:

  1. We had to bring in mandatory quarantining in hotels, because we couldn’t trust people to stay home after returning from overseas.

  2. We then had to bring in security, because we couldn’t trust people to stay in those hotels.

  3. We then had to bring in ADF, because we couldn’t trust the security guards not to have sex with those in quarantine in the hotels.

  4. We had to get police to door knock and check up on people, because we couldnt trust those who were meant to be self-isolating to actually stay at home.

  5. We also have to have police and ADF reinforce the metropolitan melb zone and state borders, because we can’t trust people to follow the restrictions.

  6. We are now being asked to use masks, because we cannot trust people to social distance when they are in public.

  7. Through it all, our supermarkets have had to introduce shopping restrictions because we couldn’t trust people to not to take more than what they needed.”

Just got out of the car and for the first time in over a decade I thought about having cigarette.

This is the level of stress I’m living at through all this, that my brain thought a cigarette might help.

August photo blogging challenge day 4 📷 Peace (at Coolangatta Beach)

August photo blogging challenge day 3 📷 Bug, but probably not the bug they’re expecting

Saint Valentine of Rome was martyred on February 14 in AD 269 after he continued marrying people when marriage was banned.

Weddings are banned in Melbourne from Thursday.

Will there be a Saint of Batmania?

“But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talked about in the great outside world of winning and achieving and displaying. The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy ways, every day.”

— This Is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life by David Foster Wallace

Everyone’s having the great mask debate and I’m over here just dancing by myself.

Feeling horny but might delete later idk tho

Look, if you’re wondering when to get married, Tuesday the 22nd of February, 2022 is pretty cool, because we’ll call it a Twos Day Wedding.

My local UberEats selection becomes super boring/corporate after 9pm.

In case any of you guys wanted to join the illuminati, I’ve got an in

The one thing I know for sure

The one thing I know for sure is also the one thing I am sure I am wrong about. It’s that I am the most important person in the world. That my experiences, thoughts, possessions, and relationships are the most important of them in existence. I have a lifetime of evidence proving it true, but I also know with great certainty that I am not the most important person on the planet, nor does the universe orbit around me.

If I am so sure that the one thing I know for certain, is incorrect, how can I ever be sure of anything ever again.

I feel like a new man after leaving the house to be creative today.

Remember the good ok’ days when we’d leave the house all to make things like photos?

Do people not offended by #cooncheese even buy anything other than supermarket-brand cheese?

Asking for a friend.

Get back to me when your daughter has a PLU on your local cafe’s point of sale system.

Whenever someone talks about closing the boarder I’m always impressed that so many people are renting out spare bedrooms to people who don’t mind being opened and closed.

Check out our Europe 2020 travel photos!

Syncing to the cloud

Watching Luna chase a reluctant mum + 2 kids around the public playground hoping that they could all play together is bringing me much joy.

The mum left the house today certain that the only person her kids would be playing with today would be her.

It took ten minutes but Luna won. She’s now leading the other kids around by hand.

Germs, Withers DNA, dirt and all.

Nice flex, Qantas

Britt and I argue over getting news and information from Instagram or memes, and this is my argument, as written by Terence.

”The whole investigation took me 5 minutes. A Web search, a few clicks, and some ctrl+f‘ing. These are basic skills, and you should use those skills before you share something which sounds too good to be true. Treat any claim without a URl as suspicious.”

- Terence Eden

Luna upon seeing a polar bear IRL. I think it might’ve been a nicer experience if the polar bear was in the wild and we were running for our lives, but here we are folks.

I was tracking flights for January for a wedding I have/had booked in Orlando. I think it just got a little more expensive/impossible.

Luna us leaving home and moving to Sea World

To save you the awkward work of calling your dentist asking if you can pay with exposure, let Ryan Jon do it

Now taking applications for people wanting to join my Mindful Clown Posse. We meet on Tuesdays at 6am for chai tea.

Breaking: Yacht club memberships are rising suddenly in Victoria as the premier rules masts to be compulsory for all Victorians

A music video “filmed” all in a screen recording on a Mac, pretty cool!

That feeling when you’ve done all of Brighton.

What’s everyone’s thoughts on forewords and introductions in books? If they were supposed to be part of the book they’d be chapter one, right? Am I a bad person for skipping them? Am I missing out?

The lockdowns will continue until morale improves

The new FlyerKeeper initiative is a winner, thanks ScoMo ✈️

150 people at a wedding in NSW, but, everyone seated, no mingling, no singing, no dancing. Make sure you invite Kevin Bacon to your wedding.

I’m no psychologist but I’m willing to bet that the elderly man driving his 1970s Mercedes Benz with the windows down through the streets of Palm Beach loudly blaring Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls is having a bad day.

“In Iceland, we are lucky enough to have vast open spaces and beautiful nature that is the perfect place to let out frustrations, we feel this is just what the world needs.” says Sigríður Dögg Guðmundsdóttir, of Visit Iceland. You can send in your scream to be released into the Icelandic wilderness. I highly recommend. lookslikeyouneediceland.com/

Them’s fightin words

She learned how to toilet from me, by sitting there reading for half an hour.

“New York blends the gift of privacy with the excitement of participation; and better than most dense communities it succeeds in insulating the individual (if he wants it, and almost everybody wants or needs it) against all enormous and violent and wonderful events that are taking place every minute.” — E.B. White in Here Is New York

Anyone else in the “out before midnight closing the three rings club?”

The biggest giveaway that my only military service was a school term of Army Cadets is when I need to use phonetic letters on a phone call.

J, for Jackson 5. O, for Oh my god! S, for Sara Bareilles. H, for hold on. U, like you but just the letter. A, for all the letters.

Qantas’s last 747 on it’s Farewell flight past Surfers Paradise this morning.

The @Qantas #747 is a plane that has taken Britt and I so many places around the world, but greater than that, its legacy means that this boy can create marriage ceremonies around the world.

Get the down-low on The Virtual Wedding Fair this weekend by listening to my podcast, The Rebels’ Guide To Getting Married

I’m always asked if I can tell whether a couple will ‘make it.’

I can’t, but the closest I’ve come is right now and the lady in front of me is married to a guy who just texted her ordering a margarita pizza for dinner.

I don’t think margarita pizza guy is also a marriage guy.

Most Australian’s don’t even know that Nelly and Kelly Rowlands' 2002 hit ‘Dilemma’ is about how Kelly was with 2020 but all she could think about was 2019.

Those small business vibes are real. Every day I fantasise about working for some big corporation who doesn’t know who I am but at least I wouldn’t get anxiety opening my email.

One of the hardest things about living in Queensland is that through the depths of winter you often walk outside in shirt, shorts, and thongs, and you’ll think to yourself “it’s a bit cold, I should of worn a thicker shirt”

My inbox is a wonderland, by Josh Mayer.

Hey, just a question from the audience.

How are scammers still in business? How do they afford the phone calls, caller ID spoofers, computers?

How are they still profiting? Doesn’t everyone know that if your phone rings it’s at least a 50% chance of it being a scammer?

Please come to my comedy show

Based on the laughs I’m getting from our toddler as she watches my rehearsals I’m betting that my move into stand up comedy is going to be a raging success, so I’m proud to announce my first touring comedy show.

Come and watch a 38 year old man put a dummy in his mouth, even though he isn’t a baby; watch as this father pretends to take your food if you won’t eat it; be amazed as a Gold Coast marriage celebrant dances with you in front of a mirror.

Tickets are $30.

Luna is upset that I cut an apple up, and she’s now trying to mend the apple by holding it all together, while calling for her mumma.

A metaphor for 2020.

I’ve been trialling the news iOS 14 Back Tap feature and every single activation has been accidental, and any intentional activations fail. So I’m turning it off.

I know I’ve been a whinge guy about COVID lockdowns, and that’s because financially and in our business we’ve had a rough time with it. But reading this …

My iPhone buzzes me, alerting me of some photos it’s curated into a cool album named “Celebrate Good Times”, so I excitedly tap the notification excitedly and it shows me a blank photo album.

Sick 2020 burn, Apple.

For those of us worried our phones are listening, the next version of iOS due out in a few months let’s you know in Control Centre exactly which apps are listening, or have been.

Boat people found

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don’t know y.

I’ve been making websites on php based content management systems for over 20 years, mostly Wordpress for the last 17, so I’m struggling to understand JAMstack.

On the chance that you’ve made the move recently, how can I understand it better?

Hey, has anyone made a ‘Victoria - Garden State’ into ‘Victoria - Basket State’ joke yet?

Is this the future of the media? Hot topic opinion pieces by people who don’t exist.

Anyone else in beta club?

It feels really nice and normal to hear flights back into Gold Cost Airport this afternoon.

There’s a new episode of my podcast out, and honestly, I’m pretty bloody proud of it.

Just search for ‘Rebels Guide’ in your podcast app and you should find something around the lines of ‘The Rebels Guide To Getting Married’.

What is a Virtual Wedding Fair? Here’s a snippet of the most recent Rebels Guide To Getting Married talking about it.

Listen/watch on YouTube

Good news everybody, the people in charge of time have decided to not make 2020 one second longer than it has to be. That’s the kind of leadership 2020 needs.

I think it’s time someone called 7-Eleven on their shit. They are open way outside those hours.

The real cost of the travel restrictions is in my sunglasses acquisition and ownership strategy,

Every Bali trip I buy a collection of knock-off Ray Bans and then slowly lose them or break them inbetween trips.

I’m now down to my last pair.

If I’ve got to wear a mask, I might as well look good

Be warned that despite the name, the Disney+ production ‘Hamilton’ has absolutely nothing to do with the Whitsundays island, and instead seems to be about a man who literally published a book about his own sex scandal.

Is this an Alan Jones advertisement or a reportage of a sad story about Alan Jones?

Asking for a friend.

Channel 7 announces it’s glad that Pauline Hanson will be more available for Sunrise now that the Today Show has finally let go of her.

The border township of Albury–Wodonga is set to become the duelling towns of Albury versus Wodonga as the border closes tomorrow!

I’ve got $10 on a Wodonga win, because they have zombies.

I've been pwned, and my password used to be becool88

This screenshot contains two passwords I used to use, maybe 10 years ago. The username and passwords were released in a data dump, and because I am registered with haveibeenpwned.com they let me know today.

I haven’t used those passwords for ages, because I now use a password manager - 1Password - which generates unique passwords for each website I use.

I’m a smart guy, and I know if I’m being scammed or phished, but sometime in the past decade or so I was had - and that that username and password is now available to the general public.

Two things I’d love for you to take away from this:

  1. This is why it’s important to have unique passwords for every service, because if one service is breached, then the potential fallout for you personally is limited to that one company. If you use the same username and password for everything, then if one company is breached, hackers now have access to all of your websites and logons.
  2. Have a look through the publicly available list of usernames and passwords just to get a feel of how unique your password for all of your life is.