If COVID-19 doesn't get me, rescheduling weddings and elopements probably will. Welcome to my TED Talk.

Breathing from a hole in my lung, I had no one. With faces in front of me racing through the void in my head to find traces of a good luck academy // Straight Lines

If you’ve ever thought that Facebook was listening, it is, just not through your phone’s microphone, but through your activity. Everything you do, everything you click, everything you like, gives away more than any app released by a government.

Just after the Coronavirus first hit the economy bad, I invested savings, a house deposit, into a managed fund. Today we withdrew that cash so we could buy a house (because we're currently living in an Airbnb) and I made a 1.9% profit. The Milky Bars are on me.

Australia: Uses their child’s name with a capital first letter then a number at the end as a password, and also has strong feelings about the COVIDSafe contact tracing app’s privacy implications.

Today in old white male news, one old white man claims that his use of a smirking pose on a dark background with his name in an all caps serif font has been copied. Old white men nationwide are outraged.

New Wiggles > OG Wiggles

What do you think we should build? - Andreessen Horowitz

anyone murdered at all during self-isolation

Homocide Detective: Yeah, it was definitely the wife.

About 10yrs ago I had a burger at a small town in Western Australia whilst driving across the desert to Perth and I haven't received an email from that burger artist yet to find out how they're responding to COVID-19. This is super disappointing. It's like they don't even care.

I'll know this virus has gotten really bad when the Qantas On-Hold Music Band start doing free concerts on Instagram Live.

Considering that all of the pubs and bars are closed, is now the time for all of them to agree on a national beer size standard?

I wouldn’t worry about even getting COVID-19 when COVID-20 is going to be released in a few months and it will support 5G.

Walked to Twin Towns for a Checkpoint Charlie (Queensland’s closed border) photo and all I got were these JPEGs.

Don’t forget to wind your clock back to 2021 when daylight savings ends this weekend. Maybe that will help end this?

Could I please ask you to import that fact into Photoshop and blur it a little. I only trust information I read in low-resolution images shared on social media.

I just found out that there’s a dog food called Applaws so everything’s going to be ok guys.

Coming to channel Seven soon: Border Security: Queensland Edition, taking the cool out of Coolangatta.

If everyone is working from home and social distancing, who’s in the Wiggle House? Who’s in the Wiggle House? Who’s in the Wiggle House today?

Who ever imagined that when the apocalypse arrived we’d all be fighting it by standing at the sink washing our hands thoroughly to the beat of I Will Survive?

95% of content on social media this week is pure Coronavirus-related speculation, I reckon.

iPadOS’ machine learning has finally figured out what I do for a living.

After hours mascot

OMG did you hear that everyone is stocking up on wedding celebrants because of the Coronavirus?!

(Just go along with this one guys, it’s a sales technique 🤫)

If I started fake coughing and sneezing on this full flight I’m on right now would that be a hilarious prank or would I be the worst person alive?

Trying to make a photo of a sweet sunset moon and in sneaks a Qantas Boeing 717.

Do you think we haven’t met aliens yet because one time someone didn’t invite them to a wedding and they’ve held a grudge ever since?

Spaghetti is pronounced bisgetti. Prove me wrong.

The ABC (Australia’s for my international friends) has done an outstanding job of documenting the Australian bushfires in this single article. I haven’t seen reporting like this from anyone.

The first bushfire mentioned is 30km/18 miles inland from our home, but we were fine.

Holden, found on rubbish dump.

Holden, found on rubbish dump.

We must abandon the language of the market to reclaim our humanity - Thomas Keneally's 2020s vision

This podcast with Dave Cheng and Jerry Saltx changed me

When I open an airport hotel, my slogan will be “we don’t smell like an airport hotel plus we have those mattresses that come in boxes”

I’m sorry guys, apparently you can’t trust my glowing Star Wars review because, according to Britt, apparently I’m “too sunny about shit things”

Any other parents carefully curate playlists so it looks to your toddler like you wrote all the songs? Just me?

11:51pm, Wednesday night, Hoyts Sunnybank, current status:

Arguing with two strangers, at the cinema urinal, about the plausibility of jumping between spaceships.

Also, Rise of the Skywalker is an A+ Star Wars movie, and I will fight you over this.

Cr8zy if tru

Li Jin has beautifully named the current era of creative work: the passion economy

If you ever see me being arrested by the Police it’s probably because I tucked in the tag on someone’s top and they didn’t appreciate it:

I felt seen but not herd in today’s ceremony

How to prepare for the 29 Days Club content challenge

Considering getting a full body tattoo to save on clothes. Please discuss.

My idea of a luxury car is one that does not beep.

Luna: Can I ask you an equestrian?

May your day be Australian, your onions be on top of the sausage, and your empathy for Australia’s First Nation people be full.

Imagine if there were no casinos today, and someone tried to introduce the first casino. They would be protested out of town for building a business on the backs of everyone’s financial insecurities.

The day you vote me in as your Primal Munster I will mandate that all toilets will always be available. Wait, you shalt not.